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| The Team: Trish and Richard with Robert in the middle |
In our own situation, I am the primary caregiver for my
brother, Robert, and Richard is the primary caregiver for his mom, Carol. To add to the mix, Richard is a caree himself
because of his chronic back pain. We’re
each helping to care for at least two people and we’re doing so together.
Becoming co-caregivers didn’t happen overnight. It took many years for Richard and I to
develop into a successful co-caregiving team.
This is not to say we are always successful but
we will discuss the challenges and pitfalls of co-caregiving in the next
post. For now, let’s talk about what
works.
Knowing Our Strengths. It is important for us to not only know our
own strengths but the other co-caregiver’s strengths as well. Fortunately, we are both organized and prefer
“neat and tidy” to chaos (just ask those kids we raised). Richard tends
to nest better than I do yet we all benefit from it! Before Robert moved in, Richard was on not
only a cleaning spree but took up canning jam and spaghetti sauce as well as
trying his hand at pickling asparagus.
I’m sure I gained five pounds before Robert even moved in with his never-ending supply of Rocky Road ice cream in the freezer (not that I ever eat
ice cream . . . ).
While Richard was canning and cleaning, I was creating
spreadsheets for the medication and supplies, ordering supplies and contacting
all the agencies we would be dealing with.
My “nesting” showed itself in organizing cabinets in our garage for
Robert’s clothes and supplies.
Recognizing Limits. This is huge. At any time and for a variety of reasons (bad day at work, not
enough alone time, not enough sleep/food/water, woke up on the wrong side of
the bed, increased back pain for Richard), either one of us can feel
overwhelmed and cranky. I recognize the signs when I need a break: I’m
short-tempered, snap at anyone (including the cat) and have no interest in
talking with anyone. Leave me alone when I’m at my limit (seriously, I am not
pleasant). Thankfully, my husband
understands this (most of the time) and knows to steer clear. When I realize
I’m cranky, I have to figure out what is wrong and then take a break to correct
it (eat something, take five minutes for myself) and it helps, even if for a
little bit.
When Richard is at or past his limit, it is usually related
to his back pain. He’s either done too
much or has a flare-up. He knows when
this is happening (usually a few minutes after the rest of us do) and he will
take a nap, go to our bedroom to stretch his back or have some quiet time.
We both are learning to recognize when the other needs a
break without being accusatory or nagging.
“What the heck is the matter with you?” is not often said out loud in
our house. (I’ve been known to think it a
time or two, however).
Setting Priorities.
Sometimes it feels as if I have a magical to-do list (and not in a good
way). Every time I cross one or two
items off the list, five more appear in its place. The to-do list is never, ever completely done
which makes it a necessity to prioritize.
Richard and I both understand that if we are at our limits (see above)
but we still have to have dinner, give Robert his meds and get him ready for
bed then it may be a night to order pizza.
Sure, we prefer to have a healthy, home-cooked meal with green
vegetables and fruit but sometimes the priority is giving ourselves a break
instead.
Equal Division of Responsibility. This is very important to me. I don’t want to feel as if I am not
contributing my fair share. Maybe it’s
because we’ve been together for so long but dividing up the responsibilities
when Robert moved in was seamless. I get
Robert up in the morning and get him bathed and give him his clothes for the
day. While he dresses, I unmake his bed
and start a load of laundry. In the meantime, Richard makes decaf coffee for
Robert and a mocha for me. (I’m
spoiled!) He gets Robert’s breakfast
ready and packs his lunch for Day Program.
We share dog duty and both see Robert off to Program in the morning.
In the afternoon, Richard greets Robert when he gets home
from Day Program while I’m still at work.
He will clean up Robert if needed and gives him a snack and lets him
watch television. When I get home, I
give Robert his meds and start dinner.
Richard does the clean up after dinner and I get Robert started on his
bedtime routine of brushing his teeth, shaving and changing into pajamas and
getting into bed.
There aren’t that many variations on the schedule (except
hubby sometimes makes dinner – especially if it’s pancake night!). It feels like a very fair division of duties which makes us both
happy and keeps Robert well-cared for.
Communication.
I hesitate to even include communication as an important part of a
successful co-caregiving team because it seems so obvious. Common sense dictates Richard and I have to
talk to one another in order to work as a cohesive unit. As simple of a concept that is, we do need
occasional reminders. I am more than willing to admit we see a therapist every
now and then to keep us on track and to work through any difficult issues that
come up.
Asking for Help.
I had planned to end with communication but realized something else contributes
to our success as co-caregivers - being able to ask for help, either from each
other or from an outsider. We see a
therapist, we both get massages to help with stress and reduce Richard’s back
pain and we ask one another if we can have a few hours away. Sometimes I will go shopping with my daughter
or Richard will have coffee with his mom and brother or volunteer at the animal
shelter. Both of us have taken up yoga
and are okay asking the other one to stay with Robert while we attend a class. What we need to figure out next is how to get
a break together!
It’s early in our co-caregiving journey so I am sure I will
learn more of what makes us successful as we go along. In the meantime, the next post will focus on
what challenges and pitfalls we’ve run into and how we manage to not get stuck
there.
Please share your own co-caregiving tips for success!
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