We first blended our families together (me with my daughter
and him with his daughter and son) and raised these three kids the best we
could. They have all turned into
productive citizens and wonderful human beings.
Not that their success is because of us but I’d like to think we at
least didn’t fumble too much along the way.
It’s likely they won’t need a lifetime of therapy but maybe just a few
helpful sessions. I can’t ask for more
than that.
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| Co-caregivers: Trish and Richard on vacation |
Richard and I also worked together when his back pain became
unbearable. He was rear-ended on the
freeway by a drunk driver before we met and he dealt with his injuries as well
as horrible pain when his son was just a newborn and daughter a toddler. By the time we met, his pain was manageable
(or so it seemed). Shortly after we
married, the pain increased considerably (I try not to correlate the two
events).
We worked together to get him the right pain management
doctor and the right treatment that worked for him and our family. We went through some tough trials with the
various medications he was on (a few which severely adversely affected his
ability to get out of bed or be the least bit pleasant when he was out of
bed).
We (and I’m including the kids here because it was truly a
team effort from all of us) plowed through and, eventually, found a terrific
doctor who installed Richard’s intrathecal pain pump. The amount of medications
he had to take was reduced significantly and, although his pain has not
completely subsided, it is at a level he (and the rest of us) can live with.
After seventeen years together (sixteen of those married),
we have developed into a pretty good team but it hasn’t always been easy. Heck,
I was ready to lock him out of the house plenty of times during the trial and
error period with his medications and the kids would have thanked me!
There was a brief stint as co-caregivers during my mom’s
illness before she died as well as during the death of my dad. We have come to realize our co-caregiving experience is neither
perfect nor idyllic but it does work for us and we have been able to smooth out
the rough spots over the years. All of these experiences have prepared us for
our next co-caregiving experience: caring for Robert and, to a lesser extent,
Richard’s mom.
Richard was always on board with helping care for Robert when
Robert could no longer live independently and, eventually, with bringing him
into our home to care for him. We each had our concerns, however.
I worried that with Richard’s back problems, the extra work
with Robert would be too much for him.
Robert sometimes ends up on the floor after a seizure and a big concern
for me was Richard hurting his back when trying to help Robert get up.
Richard’s concerns centered on the logistics of Robert being
here. Would Robert be able to stay at his Day Program and will transportation
be available for him? Will Robert be happy with the sleeping arrangements since
we don’t have an extra bedroom downstairs and he has to sleep on the sofa
sleeper? Will there be back-up help if
we need it?
Our first step was to discuss these concerns and then we had
to rely on each other for reassurance. I
needed Richard to convince me he would be honest about any increase in his back
pain and I had to reassure him that I confirmed his program and transportation would
stay the same and back-up care would be arranged.
We both had to rely on Robert to let us know if the sofa
sleeper was satisfactory long-term since he already had adjusted to it for
short-term visits. We explained to
Robert that he wouldn’t have a bedroom if he lived with us and he replied, “I
know; it’s okay.”
We had our answer from Robert and our reassurance to each
other which meant only one thing: the real work was about to begin.
In the next post I will talk about what works for us to make
co-caregiving successful. In the next
few days, I’ll also discuss the pitfalls of co-caregiving and how to overcome
those without too much heartache.
In the meantime, I invite you to tell us about your own
co-caregiving experiences and what works (or doesn’t work) for you.
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